Six hilarious questions I get asked about menstrual cups
“Would you take a sanitary napkin soaked in blood to a friend’s house?” asks minister Smriti Iraani. Well, I wouldn’t. And you know why? Because I will take a menstrual cup.
February 2018 I used a menstrual cup for the first time for my periods. I must say, I personally think it is the cup of joy, the next best thing after sliced bread, at least for womankind. No smell, no disposal worries, no environment hazards, no leakage in the nights, it took me only the first three days of usage to realise that sanitary napkins are the shittiest thing ever. By the first month, I converted my sister and a friend. By the third month, I converted three close girlfriends and by the sixth, a few friends and colleagues too. The awesomely committed Seema Khandale of the Aashay Social Group who manufactures these menstrual cups has been urging me to write about the cup for all this time. But I thought I would use it for six months — get over the honeymoon period, so to speak — to get a realistic sense of the product and then review it. It’s been six months now and I really can’t think of a single disadvantage of using a menstrual cup. Now a review that has no cons doesn’t really work as a review. But as a response to my enthusiasm and cheer to promote the usage of the menstrual cup among my girlfriends and countrywomen, I have been asked some completely hilarious FAQs about it over the last few months. I am putting together a list and some answers to them.
- Which hole does a menstrual cup go in? Go to an anatomy class, girl. You can’t be 25 and not know which hole we bleed from. Well, in case you missed the lecture, we have a susu hole, a shee-shee hole and a pleasure hole. The menstrual cup goes in the pleasure hole. It is designed to fit and mould itself naturally to the shape of you. It doesn’t hurt, all it needs is for you to relax when you slip the cup in. And you can do both shee-shee and susu while wearing the cup. Basically, wash it, fit it, forget it. Remove it, rinse it, re-fit it. Repeat. The initial few times maybe mildly stressful but you soon get a hang of it.
2. I don’t think I am that big down there. Is there a smaller size available? Sister, we all are the same size. Like how men believe they are bigger down there than they actually are, women believe they are smaller. Or maybe it has to do with a mistaken belief that if they are good girls, haven’t been promiscous, they will remain smaller down there. That is just not true and if you have been saving yourself to stay S down under, it has a been a complete waste of time. The menstrual cup doesn’t discriminate or judge; one cup fits all.
3. What if it gets lost inside you? If we spent half as much time paying attention to our vagina and how it works as we do staring at our own butt in the mirror, women would not have to ask this question. Our vaginas are not a blackhole connecting to the infinity; the menstrual cup isn’t going to float up inside your body and get lost in the intestinal galaxy. The vaginal cavity is about 3 to 4 inches in length at the most and the cup sits tight in that cavity in a vacuum. To remove it, all you need to do is relax and breathe, put two fingers in and pluck it out.
4. I haven’t had a child yet. I don’t want my vagina to stretch and lose elasticity forever. Well, to be honest, that opening can accommodate the head of a whole child and then quickly revert to its original size post delivery. In any case, the menstrual cup is not a balloon which inflates inside your body. Because it is made of silicone, it is soft and assumes the natural shape of your vaginal cavity. So there is no stretching or expanding or any kind of permanent damage happening down there at all.
5. Do you feel pleasured/orgasmic while you are wearing it? LOL. As lovely as the thought is, there are no Kiara Advani in Lust Stories type orgasms erupting from your body all the time you are wearing it. It doesn’t vibrate or hum or rub or do anything remotely suggestive. It just stays in place and patiently collects your menstrual blood till you remember to remove and rinse it. Trust me, the cup is so comfortable that you at times forget that your periods are on.
6. It’s sooo…. Uggh. I can’t even think of it. How can you insert anything just like that down there? Get over it, will ya? There is no need to get so emotional about everything concerned with your vagina. It is just a part of your body, like your hands and feet. It gives you pleasure, and its exclusivity maybe a thing of value, but trust me, only in your own mind. I came to this bitter realisation in that one surreal cringeworthy moment when I lay spreadeagled to deliver my first child with three strange men,the gynaec and two attendants, staring dispassionately at my vagina. So get over this dekho magar pyaar se attitude. A menstrual cup is convenient, ultra-comfortable and eco-friendly and putting two fingers painlessly inside your own body is the worst that will happen to you while you use it. So chill.
Since I started using the cup, I have found it amusing that women, and that includes me, know so little of our own bodies. We view our bodies as cosmetic synthetic figures — not as flesh, bones and blood. We think sizes when we should be thinking of texture. We wear bras, all the world knows that we do, but we go to extreme lengths to hide the strap. We bleed every month but we are ashamed to see that blood, we feel awkward discussing ways to improve our menstrual experiences. We allow Lord Ayyappa, a million of his followers and Smriti Iraani to shame us about our menstrual fluids. Well, while we wait for the Lord Ayyappas and the Shanidevs to accept menstruation as natural, let’s at least open our own minds — to our bodies and to new experiences. Breathe in deep, relax and put the cup in. Give it a little time to get used to you; give yourself a little time to get used to it too. And when someone shames you about sanitary napkins soaked in blood or your menstrual ability, tell them that your cup runneth over!